Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse is all about preparation, because even if you aren’t ready for Z-Day, the zombies will be. Of course, the subject of preparation can be approached as simply a problem of logistics; Do I prepare for a siege or prepare to escape? What supplies fit my budget? What kind of weapons should I buy? Etc. Most of these kinds of questions have already been sufficiently addressed by Max Brooks in his indispensable Zombie Survival Guide. But Mr. Brooks misses a few things. One of the most critical things he misses is what I consider to be the most dangerous thing about preparing for Z-day: the social stigma.

I know it’s hard to believe, but not everyone understands the impending (hopefully) zombie crisis like we do. There are always going to be doubters, and it is their refusal to face reality that can get the rest of us killed. I myself am pretty lucky on this point in that I married the right woman. In our separately composed wedding vows both of us mentioned zombie preparedness. We promised to love, honor, top off each others magazines and put each other down when the zombies finally break through the barricades. I chose my partner wisely. But not everyone does.

Take for example my good friend Blair. This is a man who, when he first enters a new building, likes to take about five minutes and figure out how he’s going to defend it from a horde of flesh eating zombies. This situational awareness combined with the fact that he’s armed better than the average Al Queda cell would normally mean that Blair would be likely to survive Z-Day. However, Blair married poorly. For example, some years ago my friend went to his wife and said “Honey, we need to buy some sandbags.”

“What for,” she asked. “Why do we need sandbags?”

“We need them for the barricades, “ he answered patiently.

“What barricades?” she responded, clearly confused.

“The barricades! You know… the barricades to keep the flesh-eating zombies out of our house?”

“Blair!” She says dismissively, “There is no such thing as zombies!”

“Of course there aren’t any flesh eating zombies,” he countered. “Not NOW anyway. If there were flesh eating zombies NOW, they’d be in here, eating our brains because we don’t have any sandbags for the barricades!”

Obviously he did not win that argument. The flaw in his tactics was a very common one in marriages; he used honesty. The way to get around the stigma that is attached to zombie preparedness is to find something more socially acceptable that you can claim to be preparing for in front of friends, family and neighbors. For instance, if they watch a lot of Fox news you can tell them that you are preparing for the impending revolution against our communist Muslim, antichrist president. If they watch a lot of MSNBC, you could tell they you are preparing for the day you have to put down the armed uprising by enraged Fox News fans who think the president is a communist Muslim, antichrist. If you live in the Northwest, you could tell people you are preparing for the day Mt. Rainer finally erupts. If you’re living in Florida or the Gulf coast, you could tell people you are preparing for the next hurricane season. If you live in the Bible belt, you can tell everyone you are preparing for the Rapture and the Tribulation.

If you tell a Bible thumper that you are preparing for the day that everyone is going to come back from the dead and starts kicking ass, they are going to call the ATF and report the crazy guy with the arms cache. You tell that same Bible thumper that you are preparing for the day that just ONE particular guy is going to come back from the dead and start kicking ass, they are going to say “Amen, brother.”

Unlike many minority faiths, those of us who practice Zombie Preparedness may not yet practice our faith openly without public ridicule, intolerance, distrust and calls to 911 about the guy with all the sandbags and barbed wire around his house. But one day soon, I believe that we will be able to proudly and loudly put our beliefs into practice. And as for those who doubt and ridicule us, well , by Z-Day + 1, we’ll be shooting ‘em in the head; Because you’re either prepared for Z-day, or you’re a zombie.